24
2011
Losing a baby/babies, what do you say?
I have read so many stories from those of you that have lost a baby or babies in the NICU and even before, and each time my heart breaks as they are having to mourn their loss while still dealing with another baby still in the NICU. If any of you are like me, it’s terrifying enough when you are in the NICU, but I cannot fathom having lost my son.
My son caught some crazy virus while in the NICU (not RSV, they were never able to identify it) and quit breathing on his own for the week of Christmas 2009. He hadn’t even made it to 3lbs yet, and was so tiny laying there as I watched a machine breath for him. During this week, one of the twins next door to us became an Angel and my heart broke seeing the parents each day and trying to imagine what they were going through and at the same time hoping and praying that I too wouldn’t be in that boat.
Then you finally bring your baby home, and the fear never stops as recently one of the moms on our preemie parenting board on BabyCenter lost her 17 month old daughter suddenly and unexpectedly as they didn’t realize her heart was enlarged. I don’t think our fear as a parent will ever cease, we just have to love our little ones as much as we can and enjoy each day with them. Even the days they are teething, not napping, screaming non-stop and we have only survived on a few hours of sleep…those days are hard, but our once tiny little miracles are still here, so I stop being frustrated, hug my little boy, and tell him I love him. Then he screams louder…but he screams.
Recently on our FB page, I brought up this topic and asked parents that have lost little ones what they want to hear or not hear. Below is this posting, so maybe it will help some that know someone going through this, and PLEASE feel free to add your comments. Hugs, love and prayers to all that have been through a loss, either before birth or after. If you need support having gone through a loss, please also check out Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.
Posted 5 JAN 2011: On occasion there are topics I’d like to bring up, but they are regarding the big pink elephants in the room, so today… do parents of a surviving multiple get enough support? Do you want to talk about about your angel or just your survivor? There have been a lot of losses of a multiple lately, so I think it’s time for you to tell your story and what you need or want/don’t want to hear. ♥
Thanks for posting! I lost Jack’s identical twin at 19 weeks. It’s supportive to hear others who have gone through similar situations .
Yeah thank you for posting this also. I lost one of my twins six months ago. My daughter died after 28 hours. My twins were born at 27 weeks. My son is for the most part growing and doing well. I don’t think there is anything anyone can say. I would just tell people to think before they speak because we heard a lot of stupid things that people just didnt think before they said it. They meant well but did not come out that way. I think people are also so afraid of talking about the child that has passed they just dont say anything to you at all. Not talking to me because they are uncomforable is also not good. I feel worse like I did something wrong because my babies came early and my daughter did not survive.
I lost Peter’s twin in the first trimester. I’m not going to claim that this is as hard as losing a twin in a later trimester or after birth, but I still ache every time I see or hear about twins. I tell myself that Peter had a twin, and if it were not for my uterine anomaly, he would probably still have a twin.
I didn’t cry after I learned about the demise of Baby A the way I did when I miscarried a few years ago. I knew that I was lucky that one baby had picked a good spot to implant on my uterus. And after I went into preterm labor, I felt lucky again, thinking how early I might have gone into labor if Baby A had not passed away.
But there’s still a pain. I was told at my first ultrasound at 7 weeks that the embryos looked PERFECT with their hearts beating at 140 and 141 beats per minute. I was told I would be a great mom of multiples. And I spent 5 weeks dreaming about double strollers and cute twin names. Sometimes people will say that vanishing twin syndrome is very common. And yes, vanishing twin syndrome is common, but losing a twin after 8 weeks of pregnancy is much less common.
But then again, I AM grateful. Given my anatomy, I’m lucky to have had 1 live birth out of 3 embryos.
What do you say? I have no idea. My grandmother told me that she would pray harder for Peter after I lost his twin. No one else said much of anything, and I guess that’s alright. There’s not much TO say. You could tell me that at least I still have Peter, and I wouldn’t mind because honestly, that’s exactly what I tell myself.
I am so sorry for everyones loss. The unfortunate thing is this happens EVERY day to many families.
I would like to bring awareness to an organization I volunteer for called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep ( http://www.NILMDTS.org ) .
We are an organization of professional photographers who volunteer our time by providing families professional portraits of their babies who are born sleeping or are diagnosed with a terminal condition. I pray that none of you will ever have to experience that kind of loss again, but you may know someone who will or you may be affiliated with a hospital that doesn’t know anything about our services. By visiting our website you can find an area coordinator who is local to you who you can talk to about our services and maybe help us spread the word.
We are there to help families through their process of healing by providing them images free of charge to preserve the memory of their child.
I just felt the need to share and not only as a volunteer professional photographer for the organization, but also as a mother who has lost , again I express my condolences to all of you!